Monday, October 30, 2006

Self Observation


My jeans are always tattered at the end, frayed from all the walking and running. My heels pierce into the fabric shredding away the back of it. The string become loose and turn into elongated tangled threads. Marking my journey and how hard my voyage has been.
My hair blows in the wind, full and thick. The ends are tattered and frayed from all of the thoughts that come out of my mind. They grow the length of my long hair and then split at the ends. Like me thoughts, starting out so strong and slowly spreading in every direction. Thousands of them, each one more unique than the other, blowing behind me, or covering my eyes, whispering into my ears, so I won’t forget them.

I take it all in entering through my footsteps, spreading up my legs through my stomach spreading like a tree into my heart. My veins feed it to my heart, my heart pumps it out to my arms, each artery branching like a budding tree. The branches reach my limbs and burst at the crowning top. Forming these thoughts these ideas, these images right or wrong, crazy or normal, happy or sad, dangerous of safe and then they flow out into my frayed ends. The ends that flow into the wind return to the world, whispering to me and to others that they touch. Gentle and soft, course and tangled.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Puppy Love: When it's time to say Good Bye


PuPpY LoVe :

When it's time to say...

GOODBYE



I want to start out with a story about a dog, not just any dog but an elderly dog. I think it would be best if I described the animal. This dog was a small dog, probably weighing 5 pounds, a toy dog. It was one of those shaggy dogs that you cant differentiate between the front of the dog and the back, so it is rather hard to tell whether this beast is watching you or not. The one sure way to tell which side was it's front was by its emaciated legs that kick out behind it and dragged along the floor like two little extra tails. If these tiny atrophied limbs weren't bad enough they were stained with urine and feces because half of the creature's body was paralyzed and it was unable to hold in defecations.



I often found it amusing when the older lady that owned this 'dog' put pampers on it's backside, which shortly found themselves ten feet behind the dog crumbled in the floor next to a pile of doggy waste. Why she kept doing this ritual when it never remedied the problem was beyond me, but then again why this dog was alive was an even bigger mystery.



I know this sound pretty bad but it goes on! This dog had eyes the color of marbleized milk, covered in cataracts and embedded in crust along the corners. At times I thought the animal might actually cry milk if I didn't already believe it was dead inside.



The dog was aware of its surroundings to a certain extent, for example: it couldn't see you but it could partially hear you (I never got close enough to its head to see how matted in wax it's ears must have been) and it could smell you. Perhaps it even just felt vibrations in the floor like a snake. The reason I say this is because once the dog was slowly aware of your presence it would start to bark in a raspy high pitch shriek. The interesting part of this interrogation attempt was the dog never actually look at you when it barked, it would stare off in an arbitrary direction and howl. The mongrel would continue barking even after you had the left the room.



Watching this dog move was probably the most pathetic part of it, as it would slowly drag it's listless body across the room to its food bowl were it would attempt to eat its food with it's three good remaining teeth. I didn't know if I should cry or laugh.



It was explained to me that the owner refused to put the dog down, this seizure prone, shaking, shitting, and miserable little creature. She even stopped taking it to the vet because they suggested it be put down. She just kept this thing alive somehow most likely through witch craft of a deal with the devil. She would spend thousands of dollars replacing carpets in her home because the creature would befoul every inch and any room the creature roamed, and it would posses such an odor of death, rotting flesh, disease and wastes it was unbearable.



I don't know how the animal went down, I know it happened, and I am quite sure of one thing, it didn't go out with ANY dignity.



The reason I told this story was to build a picture of most people's relationships. This creature is like many peoples dying relationship. Something that needs to be let go, aloud to go on to a better place.



There are many reasons to let something go that is dying….



First off, NO ONE wants to be around it, do you know how uncomfortable it is to be around that rotting dog?! Barking at the wall and dragging shit behind it like a retarded snake, blindly shaking on the couch in a puddle of its urine. It isn't much better to be with a couple that is arguing in the car, at a restaurant or bickering anywhere. Your caught in a room with your friend while they fight on the phone with their significant other for half an hour all the while airing private business to you and the rest of the world with working ears.



Second off your being selfish, waking up everyday to this horrible image, making you unhappier by the minute but you keep telling yourself it is ok. Stop and look at the situation your in! Don't kid yourself your not happy! It is being kept alive by you because you're selfish and wont let things go. Your thinking of yourself only not your friends not of the other person and not what you truly need.



Third off, you're a coward! What is wrong with you? You had some great memories together but it is time to move on. When all is suffering it's time to move on. I don't see what is so hard about this. When your living on memories and not making any new ones something has to give. We have all been in this situation, like something is going to happen to make things better. Well it doesn't, in relationships you get to a certain point and they just don't recover. Just like our little doggy friend, it isn't going to regain use of its legs and bowels. It's not going to see again and get younger. Just let it go….



I know that when you read about that dog you thought yeah I would have put it asleep and done the kind thing, not because I didn't want to deal with it, not because it was too expensive and not because my friends made fun of me, but because its quality of life had suffered and each day alive was hell for it. But for some reason when it comes time to ending a relationship you always walk back home with the same half dead dog. Just keeping it alive at any cost.



I want you to think about it now, are you harboring a dying dog?

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Dedication

I remember riding my bike home in japan a couple of times listening to this song, knowing all to well it was forshadowing my future... well here it is, i wanna dedicate this one to that special someone out there....

Friday, September 08, 2006

escaping the jungle




I was thrown off the mountain in my last attempts to hold onto something that wasn’t real. It hurt to see the jungle claim him and reject me was it the jungle that threw me down the mountain, was it him or did I fuckin jump? I think I got sick of the damn jungle, pissed him off and made him throw me and the next thing I knew things were upside down side ways much like how they were when I arrived and met him. Vines, roots, dirt, rocks, thorns, oh god the thorns tearing my flesh. The world was spinning, a whirl of greens. I felt like a baby being delivered into the world, and in a way I was being delivered into a new place, I had out grown my old place and was too big to stay.

I felt the hands upon my back as soon as I felt things were ok; they touched me the way he promised. The way he said he would hide by the castle and wait for me, hunt me down, capture me and over power me, the way I had dreamed about. I turned to see the devils helper, it wasn’t him, but in so many ways it really was him, a man I didn’t really know, a man there to take from me what wasn’t his.... No love, no direction no good. He grabbed and groped at my clothes; trying to tear away the petals that surrounded me as my foreign cries were encrypted and lost. The streets empty until their prayers chased him away, strong from 7k away. I listened to him run away like the quiet ghost he was. Gone...


The sobering moment at the bottom of the hill. I could not longer look behind me, for fear of seeing the empty face; I only saw what was in front of me, the exit. I could only see that light blinding as it was pouring through the jungle. I walked for two days until July 18th came. I walked backwards for half a day till I came back home. The jungle gave way to open space, huge space, rolling space.

Everything different. I am where I belong but why do I feel like more of an outsider? They seized me and threw me into a cage. Captive from the jungle confused and lost. I sit here waiting like a caged tiger lose in a city. Waiting and waiting, longing to escape to run to hunt, to play, to kill and drink life like the blood of my victims. Fighting and growing stronger and more proud with each kill. Obstacles fading away... Once I am free, once I find a way to blend into the metropolis no one will ever lock me away, I know how to hunt, I lived in the jungle and made it home, to see my reflection, I am the tiger. I will be unstoppable, and those in the jungle that hurt me can never touch me again.... those I loved will never leave my heart.

Sometimes it isn’t until we leave the jungle and return to where we were born that we can see our reflection and then that image haunts our dreams... we see what we truly are after the raw jungle has striped us deeper than our skin and our primal self takes over...


My two hunters from the jungle... we only hurt each other... you both taught me so much.... and regardless of the pain I love both my killers
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Thursday, May 18, 2006

Anxiety, Love, Goodbyes, and Regrets

Sometimes I ponder the meeting of certain people. Why does it happen? Are we predestined to meet them, something in our life is guiding us to them w/o us knowing it, certain drives certain choices.... Things we do shape our lives, things we decide to do or decide not to do, they mold us into who we are. Are we the rock standing strong in the river letting the water break us apart and shaping us with what ever it brings our way? Or are we the river ever moving breakin apart rocks we come accorss carrying with us the sediments and peices of those we encounter? I am not sure which I am. But I know this river has cut me deep and shaped me in ways i cant imagine, if I am the river then i have peices that will flow with me forever and I wont ever forget them, they will always be carried with me deep in my heart.
I have met someone very very special to me, someone i dont think i will ever forget, someone i know that i dont ever ever want to say good bye to. Could someone that is so wrong for you ever be so right for you? What do you do when you meet someone that isnt what you were looking for turns out to be what you want? What do you do when you have to say farwell to the person you had to travel 7k miles to meet? What do you do when it took you four months of your time here to realize that you liked them? Why did it have to take so long open my eyes? Now you spend these last precious months pushing each other away with one hand and holding on to each other with the other hand?

Why did the stars have to cross our paths so late and deal us this hand? Sometimes i think in a parallel universe we are happy, i like to think that we made it somewhere...

I dont know how i will say goodbye, i cant imagine after having him in my life not having him. Something about us is good for one another...


I am not ready to say good bye, I am not ready to lose him... They say once i leave things will be different i will forget, but i know i wont, i cant, the river has cut me deep, he has left a mark on me that wont ever wear away. I will carry peices of him in my heart till i die. In a perfect world we are happy together on a beach away from it all living a simple life. surrounded by our friends. I do think a part of me will die once i leave here.... These are my feelings....

Friday, May 05, 2006

Dont let it find you


I stayed ontop of that high high mountain in a tall tall tree, smelling the clouds and chokin on the atmosphere for days. At night that dream came to be again, the one where i am on the plane goin home and i realize i forgot everything in japan. Everything is still there and i cant get back. The third time i decided to go home and see what happens....

********************* I am home, in my car driving i am so happy to be home, surrounded by loved ones. I am excited to be driving, not having to walk everywhere, then i think of my little blue bike, left alone, i left it with the keys still in my pocket... alone in the garage not to be ridden, then i think about everything left behind. panic fills me, i have to get back. I run to the store of buy a card to call, i cant get through the opperator makes jokes with me and talks about my friends to me how funny they are, but no answer comes, i am calling him. I kno it is him that i want to go back to and i am running to the airport trying to get back at any cost...****************************************

Damn that dream sucked, it was sad but nothing worse than the panic i woke up to the same abondoment feeling is still there. I look off into the distance, i can see july far away, a billion light years it seems away. I am now alone, i no longer feel him anywhere near, the jungle is quiet, except for a a still beating heart, my own.

I realized the jungle is full of souls it is very much alive but how loyal is it? it isnt it is alive and bloodthirsty. Selfish as an only child... If it can it will swallow you and if they can they will let it swallow you. "This place is a prison, these people are not your friends". I pray that july will take me away before i am left here too long. I kno that i must be strong, i kno that i must get down from this tree, climb down this mountain, get away from it, get away from him, never look back. He wouldnt save me, they wouldnt save me. The last i saw him he was walkin away from me with the coldest look of distates.... Save a snake and u best drain the venim bc once it is well enough it will fuckin bite you. But what he dosnt fuckin kno is that enough snakes have bit me in my fuckin life, it will make me sick but it wont do me in like his other victoms. i will walk on to july with his bite marks and a reminder of how stupid i was....again.....

If i keep moving i will get to july i will find it, and once it sees me it will take me home.

I understand my dream...... If i dont let go july will find me and take me unwillingly home, however if i find july i will be ready for it and i wont look back or god willing EVER come back..... I will be ready to go home....

Friday, April 14, 2006

Love isnt blind... Its crazy

I am in the jungle, the trees and vines are swallowing me. Everyday is a struggle to get through, sounds of screaming birds and chattering monkeys fill my head, i long for peace and fuckin quiet. I am tired of entertaining the jungles animals, making the monkeys fuckin laugh and the parrots mimic what i say and the monkeys mime what i do. I CANT TAKE IT. I am running running to where i see the clearing, to be free from this fuckin jungle. *I climb the mountains of the jungle when i can escape the monkeys and birds and climb to the top where everyone is real high.... i get high with them. In the tree tops of the jungles..... You choke on the air and clouds when ur that high.... Sometimes i feel his hands on me, i can feel his breath on me and his lips against mine, there is no high that can surpass that. That overwhelming feeling, when his eyes meet mine, my stomach is filled with thousands of butterflies that take me even higher. I choke on my own words and clouds feel my head. I stay on the one side of the mountain with him and look over to the other side, do i dare go there with him? Once i cross that top i will never make it back again, but i want to leave and go with him, be alone with him go all the way down the other side, no turning back... The clouds are getting thicker in my head, the butterflies are pulling me over the top, i am choking on my words, 'no' no longer comes out but sounds like a 'yes' .
I am now standing on the top of that mountain, if i return to where i am from this mountain will be gone forever, and i can see the path out of the jungle, back home. it is lined with bread crumbs that i left to find my way home.... but then i look over the mountain to the side i have never gone over. I know it is crazy and my knees shake but i want to go down there... but i dont feel his hands on me urging me down, i cant look into his eyes and feel the butterflies... Has he left me? I am now scared. I stand at the top alone, wondering if he will come back for me? will he find me? does he want me? does he love me? I will wait until the crows come by and begin to eat the bread crumbs and i have to run down the fading path home, unless he comes for me and takes me down the other side of the mountain to be with him, no turning back.... i will be strong... i close my eyes.... and wait..... to feel his hands on me again.....
love isnt blind, it is crazy......